How's IVF going? Don't Ask.
I can't believe that just 1 week ago I was thinking to myself, this IVF thing isn't THAT bad! Sure, there was some anxiety and crampiness after the egg retrieval, but things had been progressing pretty straight forward for us. That was until all 4 of our embryos came back with abnormal genetic testing results. All four?! Yep. Needless to say, we were crushed. I'd been preparing for the frozen embryo transfer while we waited and had started feeling hopeful. I was even giddy thinking how our transfer would have been scheduled on my 42nd birthday. On the other side of all the feelings of anger, disappointment, sadness, grief, regret, confusion, humility, shame, and even some sweet moments of surrender and gratitude, I get it now. IVF is challenging as f**k! It's definitely one hell of a preparation for pregnancy, birth and parenthood. The uncertainty is so intense! There are so many points of not knowing. So many points of waiting. So many potential moments of starting over. In case you didn't know, besides waiting for eggs to mature, to fertilize and grow into embryos (by the way, some people don't even make it that far), I mean even if our embryos HAD tested normal, there would still be the next unknown. The next wait. Would they thaw properly, would they implant, would pregnancy progress normally. And now, will our next cycle work? All this to say, it's not that I don't appreciate your caring, it's not that I don't want to share, and I may even volunteer how I'm doing, but would you mind not asking how the IVF is going? Only now do I understand with all the possible twists and turns, more than anything, the only answer I have is, I don't know. I now understand, IVF is the consummate spiritual life practice of not knowing and continuing to show up. IVF or not, can you relate to the spiritual practice of not knowing while still showing up? I'd love to hear your story and be in the practice of not knowing together.