On the other side of 4 failed IVF transfers I wanted to take some time to reflect and share an update with you. We are not at the end of the road, but I feel like I'm at a place to reflect on some of the lessons I'm taking with me at this point on the most recent leg of our journey to parenthood.
Lesson #1: A lot of people love me. It is an amazing thing to let that in. I spent my weekend with a bunch of supportive community, friends and my husband, feeling the tremendous amount of love and support that surrounds me. And it was only by sharing the pain and challenge of my experience with others that I could get how loved I am. So the real lesson is to continue sharing myself because that's the doorway through which love gets in. Suffering in silence shuts the door to love. And love is healing.
Lesson #2: Staying open, hopeful, and wanting something is hard! At least it seems that way at times. Like it’s easier to draw conclusions, even bad ones rather than staying open, risking vulnerability, disappointment and all the rest of it. I think perhaps the most courageous thing we can do is allow our hearts to stay open.
Lesson #3: I can survive feelings. I mean some of them do really suck, but they pass. The killer more than feelings more often are the feelings about feelings. The judgements. When I’ve thought I shouldn’t feel something. Those are the hardest moments. But when I accept and allow for the hard feelings to come, they are also able to go. Grief is intense and so painful but survivable. And as I got from lesson #1, I have amazing tools and friends and community and a partner and a relationship with a Higher Power that makes surviving this possible.
Lesson #4: I really want a baby. A lot of beliefs and thoughts have faded from the landscape of my mind over the years. I no longer feel like I need to have a baby to be happy. I no longer believe I deserve a baby, like God owes it to me.
But one thing feels certain. I really really want a baby. Not that I didn’t know that before 7 years of trying to conceive (you don’t get through 7 years of trying and failing without wanting something) but when I’m not focused on the hard feelings I can feel the pure fullness of love and desire in my heart for a child.
Lesson #5: I’m so not in charge. I’m not without power but I can’t force my will on life either. The light side of feeling defeated is the sweetness of surrender and the peacefulness that comes from accepting “the things I cannot change”. It’s taken this long to get me to stop fighting with life for not conforming to my will.
And I'm taking this fifth lesson as good preparation for a future child, because one thing for sure is we can’t control another human being!
I hope these reflections will shine a light on any challenges you may be facing in your life. Thanks for sharing this ride with me...